I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
