Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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