he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize