I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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