Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
