I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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