Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
