my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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