I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You're like the curious george of whores
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
