I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
and i looked up. we had an audience...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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