I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
