Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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