it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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