i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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