i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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