I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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