I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
