you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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