he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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