I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
