Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My hand turned me down
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
