The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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