so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
