Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
