Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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