***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
