I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
