Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
