I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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