so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Is this like a preordered booty call?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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