i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
