There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
