i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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