My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
