Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
