Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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