She announced her abortion via fbk
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize