hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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