I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
