My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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