Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
