I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
