I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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