Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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