farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You have to summon your inner elephant
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
