they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
