I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
