I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
