Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It was like getting head from an anaconda
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
