my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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