I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize