There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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