How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
