Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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