you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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