My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
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