I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
