I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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