I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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